Thursday, April 16, 2009

My Reflection: Never to be the same...

This doesn’t feel like it should be the end, like it should be over. In five days I will be in my car, driving westward…home. They say home is where the heart is. If that’s true, half of my home is here. My heart has become so …

I don’t even know what to say.

Reading over my posts from this last semester caused my spirit to quench. Academically I did not keep up with the posts and comments as I should have. Spiritually, however, I will never be the same. In my first post I said I wanted to never stop searching for the fingerprints of God and two weeks ago I sat on the JCB floor at two in the morning telling girls they were the fingerprints of God.......I found them. They exist in crumby situations, in beat up shacks, in fights, in laughter, in good families, and in admitting suicidal thoughts. I have never found so many fingerprints from one hand before. The D-group nights, open house nights, leadership dinners, hang-out times and all-nighter placed me face-to-face with the most beautiful children of God and so many of them don't even know it.
I don't want to leave.
These leaders, these kids have changed my entire view of life. My heart is renewed, by soul refined. As I read through my spiritual journey of the last 10 weeks, I remember the desperate feeling of hope I desired, the dark night I still find myself in, and the selfishness I owned. I wish you could look within me now. God not only worked around me and I not only was able to watch, but I was transformed as well. My Savior has constantly reminded me that it isn't about me, that my heart beats with His, and my life is not my own. To truly be surrendered and to sincerely grow, I must abandon myself here at His feet. I need child-like faith. My heart has been so warmed and tuned to those of my middle school girls and leaders who seek, every week, to reach outside of themselves and touch the life of someone else.

And they didn't have a clue they were touching mine...

I have often found myself at the bottom of me; in the pit of my life, my situations, and my choices. I was consumed with ME. This time, however, I was brought into the filthy grime of someone else, into situations they did not choose, into routes traveled to escape pain, and into compassion and love I wish I could possess. Needless to say, I know exactly why I want to do this for the rest of my life. As God places me in more situations just as scary and rewarding, I know I will continue to scuff of my knees as I fall and fail, but the eternal implications are worth every scar. My life is about to transition once again, but I will remember that God stays constant and my salvation is set despite what comes my way.

And love...
well it surpasses all boundaries.
I know.
I saw it happen.

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